6 Elements of Friendships in Online Communities

The secret to compounding growth for community businesses.

I’ve coached dozens of the most successful community leaders. Many are businesses that have grown every year for a decade. I’ve learned that the key to consistent growth is not complicated funnels, or hiring a marketing person, or dancing on TikTok.

The secret to compounding growth for community businesses is… friendship.

Helping members make and keep new friends in your community is how you reduce your churn rate, increase your referral rate, and turn your existing members into leaders.

I recently read Platonic, a book by Marisa G. Franco about how to make and keep friends. She introduces six elements of starting and deepening lasting friendships: Initiative, Vulnerability, Authenticity, Productive Anger, Generosity, and Affection. These are the same elements we can keep in mind when encouraging friendships within our communities.

Here are ideas on how you can implement these principles to enrich the experience for every member and cultivate a culture of friendship in your online community that ultimately grows and sustains your business.

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1. Initiative

Encouraging your members to take initiative is the first step in helping them spark new relationships. But it’s risky! Here are some strategies you can encourage:

• Recurring Structures: The Mere Exposure Effect suggests that people tend to like those they see more often. By introducing recurring structures that give members an opportunity to see the same people in small groups over time, you will increase their comfort level with other members and create a safe space for them to reach out 1:1.

• Create an Outreach Playbook: Provide your members with a clear guide on how to initiate connections. Offer suggestions for what that outreach can look like. For example, how to approach sending direct messages to someone with shared interests, how to host a local IRL meetup, or how to search the directory to find a specific member. By emphasizing that friendship is a goal within your community, members will feel encouraged to reach out and connect.

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2. Vulnerability

The more comfortable members are being vulnerable in your community, the more they will want to stick around. We feel closer to people when we are vulnerable with them, and also when they allow us to be there for them.

• Show Your Vulnerability: As a community leader, you can set the tone for vulnerability within your community. Leading by example, sharing your own experiences, challenges, and personal stories will encourage others in your community to open up as well.

• Set Boundaries: Make sure members understand the difference between vulnerability and oversharing by detailing what is appropriate and what isn’t to share in your particular community.

• Respond Well to Vulnerability: When someone shares something vulnerable, I recommend responding quickly, with deep empathy, and checking in with them individually a day later. If it’s the type of vulnerability you’ll want to encourage, it’s important to avoid a vulnerability hangover.

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3. Authenticity

Building a space where others feel comfortable being authentic is about encouraging and celebrating the weird off-script moments in community. To foster genuine connections, it's important to break free from the standard social scripts. Here's how:

• Better Introductions Prompts: In an introduction prompt, provide questions that break members out of their written bio and usual scripts. My favorite sources for good questions are Esthel Perel and Kat Vellos’ book We Should Get Together.

• Differentiate from Social Media: Make it clear that the community is different from typical social media platforms. Invite members to show up less perfectly, more joyfully, and less polished than they otherwise would online. If social media is the club, the community is the private afterparty in someone’s cozy living room.

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4. Productive Anger

Conflict is a natural part of any community. Human relationships are about navigating the ups and downs. Franco mentions anger is not just something to overcome in friendships, dealing with it well can also be a way to deepen a relationship. Here's how this applies in communities:

• Member-to-Member Communication: Encourage members to talk to each other first when conflicts arise. Let members know the steps they can take to resolve disputes and encourage them to address issues themselves in a friendly and constructive way before asking for help from you and your team.

• Conflict Resolution Plan: Be transparent about how conflicts are handled within your community. Making your member guidelines clear and reminding members often of what’s expected of them makes it easier to mediate conflicts when necessary.

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5. Generosity

It’s important to focus not just on sparking new friendships in communities, but also encouraging the deepening of new relationships. Generosity is a key way members can deepen their budding relationships. Here are some ideas on encouraging it:

• Ask for Contributions: Encourage members to share what they can offer others, whether it's knowledge, support, or skills. Then, follow up to help them connect with those who can benefit from their contributions.

• Celebrate Acts of Kindness: Collect examples of members helping each other, and celebrate these acts of generosity publicly (with permission). Recognizing and acknowledging generous actions will reinforce a spirit of giving within your community.

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6. Affection

Showing affection is is the final element for cultivating friendships that Franco shares. Showing affection looks different depending on the culture of your community and can mean giving compliments, sharing gratitude and appreciation, and offering gifts (physical or otherwise). Here are two ways to encourage this:

• Invite Sharing: When someone mentions a connection or a friendship and thanks you for the introduction, invite them to express their feelings directly to the other person. Most of us need this reminder!

• Ritual of Sharing Gifts: Introduce a ritual where members can share meaningful “gifts” they’ve received from others in the community. It’s an invitation to call out what they learned from others, how others have improved their lives in small and big ways.

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